Dear Dr. Tommy:

I have found a cure for depression in older people! First, call your financial advisor, like Principal, and activate your 401k & pension plan. Then sign up for social security. Next advise your employer you are retiring! CURED!! Doctor, what do you think about my discovery?

Regards, Abbey


Dr. Tommy Replied:

I'm glad to hear you have cured your depression Abbey. It is certainly nice to have the resources to retire and then enjoy a comfortable retirement. Remember to continue your yearly checkups with a physician and take your medications as prescribed. Also, continue to eat right and exercise, and these things will help to make your retirement a long and healthy one.

Dear Fake Dr. Tommy:

How do platelets coagulate in the mouth? I just got my wisdom teeth torn from my head a few hours ago. I've gone through a few stacks of gauze, but now I'm just hanging my jaw open hoping it will stop bleeding with some fresh air. Anyway, I was wondering what the physiological process is that allows a scab (or whatever) to form in a saliva-filled mouth.

Love your column,
D-toothed in D-town

Fake Dr. Tommy replied:

D-toothed in D-town, platelets don’t necessarily need oxygen from the outside world to work properly. How your platelets work in your mouth is exactly the same for how they work in the skin. So please just close your mouth for God’s sake! No one wants to see that. Just keep using fresh gauze to keep pressure on the wound and eventually you will achieve hemostasis (halted bleeding). Make sure you’re not taking any aspirin for pain, as that would actually reduce the pool of platelets available for clotting. (This is why older people with risk factors for heart attack take aspirin—they are effectively trying to reduce their pool of platelets so they don’t get clots in their heart or brain.) Should the bleeding continue, you should consult your oral surgeon for further advice.

Dear Fake "Dr." Tommy,

I have what you "doctors" call a little bit of a weight problem. As it turns out, they do call me Springfield Fats just because I'm morbidly obese. I'm tired of all these fads like the "2 Dozen Krispy Kremes a Day Diet" and these Fried Stick-O-Butter Weight Loss Pills. I even tried Atkins. That worked at first (I even stopped sweating when I ate), but I had to stop from the chest pains I would get after my nightly 6 pounds of hamburger meat and cheese dinner. Can you help me?

Fake Dr. Tommy replied:

Beef, I understand how hard it is to lose weight. You did indeed attempt some usually highly successful diets on you list. I have several friends who did really well on the Krispy Kreme diet, until they died unexpectedly of heart attacks. The funny thing was, they had only been dieting for 48 hours. They seemed to be enjoying the diet though. You must be a "special" case, because your attempts aren't working. Of course by "special", I mean you need a helmet. I would suggest that someone lock you in a room and not let you out for at least one year. Then after that year, you should be down to 250 or so which is more acceptable. Then take a one-month break to drink water and multivitamins. After that get locked back into the room for another year. Then you should be down to 200 and fit as a fiddle.

(If you are not Beef and are reading along, this diet is specifically for the person mentioned above. Plus it's not real advice. Don't try it.)

Dear Fake Dr. Tommy:

Last weekend, I went to a bar and consumed many adult beverages and got really drunk. The next thing I knew, I was hugging the porcelain God praying that I would be able to stop puking out my brains.

This morning I feel as though I'm going to die and the room won't stop spinning. Can you please give me advice on how to cure the hangover from hell?

Yours truly.
From Anonymous

Fake Dr. Tommy replied:

Anonymous, the first step in overcoming alcoholism is looking into an organization who remarkably has your name, Alcoholics Anonymous. Second, you may want to examine the grammar and/or syntax you used in your question. I think you meant to say "hugging the toilet and praying to the porcelain God", but we're not here to be 10th grade English teachers. Plus, I suspect you may have been intoxicated when you wrote me for advice, so I'll cut you some slack.

Overcoming an acute case of ethanol intoxication can be very difficult. Two of the main causes of hangovers are dehydration and electrolyte imbalance (which really are one in the same). For one who has a presentation including a night of vomiting, the major concern is electrolyte imbalance. Electrolytes are those molecules about which Gatorade is always talking. Unfortunately, you vomited all of yours up which can make you feel sick. So I would start by drinking a bottle or two of Gatorade. For those of you who aren't quite as sick, you get hung-over because you are dehydrated. Alcohol blocks anti-diuretic hormone (ADH), which causes you to pee a lot when you're drinking. This dehydrates the body and causes an electrolyte imbalance. After a night of drinking, I would advise always drinking a tall glass of water before you go to bed, and when you wake up the next morning you will probably be hangover free.

If these remedies don't totally cure the hangover, there are a few ancillary treatments to consider. The first would be to eat something the next morning. Judging from my primary research, eating something substantial (if not made impossible by nausea) helps me to feel better. You could also try a headache medicine like Advil, Tylenol, or Excedrin the next morning. I really wouldn't try it while you're still drunk, because you might just vomit the pills back up.

If any of you have other suggestions or home remedies, I look forward to posting them here on this blog.

I hope that answers your question Anonymous. Good luck in treating your future hangovers. Remember to NEVER operate an automobile or heavy machinery while under the influence of alcohol or drugs. If you ever feel your sickness is beyond home remedy, please call 911.

Dear Fake Dr. Tommy:

Do you believe in flu shots? There are some crazy folk with needles coming to my office building next week and they want me to be voluntarily injected with the flu virus. There's something a little creepy about that.
From Anonymous

Fake Dr. Tommy replied:

Yes, I absolutely believe in flu shots. However the science of flu shots isn't exact. As we all know, there isn't an antibiotic that kills viruses. And it turns out that the flu is a virus. So we are required to use immunizations to try and build up the body's defenses to fight the disease that way. In fact, the flu is many different variations of one virus, which makes things difficult. So a bunch of microbiologists and infectious disease doctors get together each year and attempt to determine which bunch of serotypes or variations will be most prevalent in the population for that particular year. Then they call the flu shot companies with their recommendations, and the flu shots get made. So basically it's a crapshoot, because while the population will be immunized against whichever cocktail of viral variations are in the shot, but if you get infected with a different variation, your body doesn't have immunity. That's why there's a myth that the actual shot can give you the flu, which is malarkey. What probably happens is that someone gets a shot and then by coincidence (see my blog for definition) gets infected with a different variation of the flu virus.

So in summary, I absolutely recommend that you get a flu shot, especially if you are a health care worker, immunocompromised, or are continually exposed to disease (you have kids in daycare). The shot is good for normal folks too.

Dear Fake Dr. Tommy:

I've noticed in your blogs you talking about applying to residency programs in general surgery. Is this true? If so it makes me very happy that you are doing so, because I think you'll be a great, hard-working surgeon. Good luck!
From, Anonymous

Fake Dr. Tommy replied:

Thanks Anonymous for your lovely remarks. I am indeed applying for residency in general surgery. I know it takes a thoughtful, hard-working, and reliable person to be a successful surgeon. I feel that I posses those qualities, and I look forward to learning so much more on my journey to become a surgeon. It certainly is an exciting time in my life.

Dear Fake Dr. Tommy:

I've been reading a bunch about amino acid balancing. Like taking Glutamine or GABA supplements to make up for dietary deficiencies. Perhaps it's purely psychosomatic, but I've been taking sublingual GABA supplements for about a month and I believe it's allowed me easily to quit smoking. Also, I feel it's reduced my desire for alcohol. Is that a bunch of bull honky?
From, Nathan

Fake Dr. Tommy Replied:

First off, there is no way in God's green Earth that a 25 year old has a dietary deficiency of amino acids or would need any kind of supplementation. But yes Nathan, taking GABA might provide a psychological effect to help you with your vices. It turns out that alcohol acts on a receptor called the GABA receptor, which is the same receptor upon which valium acts. This receptor downregulates the central nervous system, which is why alcohol or benzodiazepines make you sleepy. So by taking GABA supplements, you might be reducing your craving for alcohol. As far as tobacco goes, I don't think GABA would provide much benefit.

Remember kids, never operate heavy machinery or motor vehicles while under the influence of drugs or alcohol!