Dear Fake "Dr." Tommy,
I have what you "doctors" call a little bit of a weight problem. As it turns out, they do call me Springfield Fats just because I'm morbidly obese. I'm tired of all these fads like the "2 Dozen Krispy Kremes a Day Diet" and these Fried Stick-O-Butter Weight Loss Pills. I even tried Atkins. That worked at first (I even stopped sweating when I ate), but I had to stop from the chest pains I would get after my nightly 6 pounds of hamburger meat and cheese dinner. Can you help me?
Fake Dr. Tommy replied:
Beef, I understand how hard it is to lose weight. You did indeed attempt some usually highly successful diets on you list. I have several friends who did really well on the Krispy Kreme diet, until they died unexpectedly of heart attacks. The funny thing was, they had only been dieting for 48 hours. They seemed to be enjoying the diet though. You must be a "special" case, because your attempts aren't working. Of course by "special", I mean you need a helmet. I would suggest that someone lock you in a room and not let you out for at least one year. Then after that year, you should be down to 250 or so which is more acceptable. Then take a one-month break to drink water and multivitamins. After that get locked back into the room for another year. Then you should be down to 200 and fit as a fiddle.
(If you are not Beef and are reading along, this diet is specifically for the person mentioned above. Plus it's not real advice. Don't try it.)
I have what you "doctors" call a little bit of a weight problem. As it turns out, they do call me Springfield Fats just because I'm morbidly obese. I'm tired of all these fads like the "2 Dozen Krispy Kremes a Day Diet" and these Fried Stick-O-Butter Weight Loss Pills. I even tried Atkins. That worked at first (I even stopped sweating when I ate), but I had to stop from the chest pains I would get after my nightly 6 pounds of hamburger meat and cheese dinner. Can you help me?
Fake Dr. Tommy replied:
Beef, I understand how hard it is to lose weight. You did indeed attempt some usually highly successful diets on you list. I have several friends who did really well on the Krispy Kreme diet, until they died unexpectedly of heart attacks. The funny thing was, they had only been dieting for 48 hours. They seemed to be enjoying the diet though. You must be a "special" case, because your attempts aren't working. Of course by "special", I mean you need a helmet. I would suggest that someone lock you in a room and not let you out for at least one year. Then after that year, you should be down to 250 or so which is more acceptable. Then take a one-month break to drink water and multivitamins. After that get locked back into the room for another year. Then you should be down to 200 and fit as a fiddle.
(If you are not Beef and are reading along, this diet is specifically for the person mentioned above. Plus it's not real advice. Don't try it.)
1 Comments:
Dear Fake Dr. Tommy:
How do platelets coagulate in the mouth? I just got my wisdom teeth torn from my head a few hours ago. I've gone through a few stacks of gauze, but now I'm just hanging my jaw open hoping it will stop bleeding with some fresh air. Anyway, I was wondering what the physiological process is that allows a scab (or whatever) to form in a saliva-filled mouth.
Love your column,
D-toothed in D-town
By Nathan, at 10:33 PM
Post a Comment
<< Home